El-No: Grand Old Gams

Happy Election Day America!

Looks like Yankee Doodle didn't listen to the weather report before she went to the polls. It's cold out there! 

Regardless of whether you're Team Romney or Team Obama, I think we all can agree that bare legs and 30 degrees don't mix. Cover up those stems! Miss America should have added some leggings or tights to that boot and dress combination.

Seriously girlfriend. Check the binders full of women... I'm sure that there is a section on legwear. 

I vote she that she buys these Pretty Polly "House of Holland" tights. What could be more patriotic than star tights ($34)? 

* Thanks for the photo AGS 

El-No: Oh Holy Night

Accidents happen to the best of us: Tights run and fishnets rip.

Judging by the massive hosiery holes, I think Miss El-No got in a fight with a tiger (clearly she lost). Pantyhose, a sheer legwear composed of nylon and spandex, were popularized in the Sixties. I hope Miss El-No shakes off the Sixties slit stockings (after all she is wearing socks too).  

Get Macgyver the next time a tear appears! Use clear nail polish or hairspray to resolve the rip issue. These quick fix solvents will harden the fibers and prevent the gash from growing. 

El-No: Extreme Color Blocking

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results.

Sadly, we have seen this multi-hued legwear look before. Remember? Nope, still no good.

Please show Miss El-No to the asylum. Can I make a request that the straightjacket be solid color? I don’t want to confuse her with too many tints and shades.

Color blocking is totally in for Fall, but Miss El-No’s look is bordering on crazy pants. Here are some more attractive options for introducing a little color into your Fall clothes.

Philosophy di Alberta Ferretti  Color Blocked Boat Neck Sweater for $485

Tory Burch Karen Pump for $350

Milly Natalie Belted ColorBlock Dress for $330

J. Crew Two Tone Circle Skirt for $250 

*Thanks for the reader submitted photo!

El-No: Move Over Miley

I feel like I'm watching an ABC Family movie.

In this episode, the silly kid sister sneaks off to the city to strike it big (music/ modeling/ spelling bee).

She's alone except for her cartoon character backpack. "That'll show them!" she whines. It seems they forgot her special occasion (birthday/ school play/ opening day of her lemonade stand franchise).

Panicked, her parents know just what to do. They drive in and find the little girl at the train station. Awwwwww. "We'll never ignore you again!" Hugs all around.

The little girl is so happy that she is driven to sing and dance. A talent agent just happens to be at the train station! She gets discovered. Awwwwww. "We're so proud of you!" High Five!

And... Scene.

Call the Disney channel. This shiz is gold.

This sweet story almost made me forget that this reader submitted photo is of an adult wearing stir up pants with Minnie Mouse style flip flops.

But it didn't. Even the most saccharine of shows can't make this combination seem like a good idea for an adult.

*Thanks for the photo MHD!

El-No: Audigier in the Afternoon

Christian Audigier is remarkable. Astonishing!

What is it about this man that makes me want to write? I need to send him a thank you note right away.

Dear Christian Audigier,

Thank you for creating your colorful designs. While oversized tattoo imagery and ill fitting clothing isn’t my vibe, you certainly have provided loads of material for my blog. With each rhinestone covered eagle and faux tattooed legging, another post is born.

You have an uncanny knack for making me simultaneously fear for the future of American fashion and miss The Jersey Shore.

Love,

El-No Chicago

PS: Miss El-No, didn’t we cover this yesterday? Leggings are not pants.

*Thanks for the photo K

El-No: Walking Felony

Brevity is the soul of wit.

It's also an invitation for an indecent exposure violation.

News flash: Minimalism does not work as a clothing style. Art, yes. Pants, No.

Seriously, I'm over the tights VS legging VS pants debate. I suggest we all just embrace the fabric filled wide leg pants that are heading our way for Spring.

I plan to purchase these MiH Marrakesh Kick Flare Jeans for $189. Once Summer is on the way, I'll switch into these white MiH Marrakesh Flare Jeans for $186. Either way I will be swimming in glorious fabric.

I suggest Miss El-No join me.

El-No 2010 Yuck Round Up: Anything That Involves “egging”

I’m seriously done with you jeggings, meggings, and leggings. DONE!

Did you hear that hipsters and overly trendy teens? I’m going on record as saying that 2011 is the year of the pants.

El-No: That Shine Ain’t Fine (September 2010)

What the heck Oprah? Australia?!?

I can’t top that, but today’s reader submitted photo is documenting a journey. Judging by the shiny metallic Tin Manish spandex leggings, I think that Miss El-No is off to see the Wizard (the wonderful Wizard of Oz).

Spandex is a synthetic fiber that was first produced in the Fifties as a possible replacement to rubber. Rubber was in short supply during World War II and as a result had an unstable price point. While several companies competed to introduce this synthetic to the market, the Dupont Company was the leader. In 1962 Dupont started marketing spandex under the name “Lycra.”

This lightweight man-made fiber is a polymer that can be stretched and then recoil back to its original shape. Its composition also makes it very easy to dye -which brings us to Miss El-No’s silver leggings. How are these a good idea?

There is a time and a place for spandex- running pants; mixed in with denim to put that stretch in your jeans; Spanx. Wearing an unflatteringly shiny legging is just not right. It is even worse when paired with a mid-thigh denim skirt. This unsightly combination draws attention to the widest part of Miss El-No’s leg instead of helping her look hip and sleek.

I would give these metallic pants away (perhaps to a Chicago Marathon runner or a Halloween party attendee). Replace them with a flattering matte legging. Check out this option from Hue (which comes in black, charcoal grey, and navy).  

Read more about Jeggings and Meggings below.

El-No: Oh My God. Becky, Look At Her Butt (May 2010)

El-No: Apocalypse Now (December 2010)

El-No: Jackson Pollock Jeans (September 2010)

El-No: That’s What She Said (November 2010)

El-No: To Megging, or not to Megging? That is the question. (November 2010)



El-No: Apocalypse Now

I hope that heaven has unlimited sushi and Birkin bags for all.

If so, I will be a little less upset about this photo. A man in acid washed jeggings is a sure sign that the Apocalypse is near.

Don’t believe me? Just call up REM. I am pretty confident that is what they were writing about in their 1998 classic “It’s The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”

I can’t say this enough. Maybe if I write it in all caps, people will listen? LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. Please do us all a favor and buy a pair of lean trousers instead. I am sick of seeing underwear and skin through the slim opaque material.

I hope that Mr. El-No takes a lot of pictures of himself wearing these hideous mjeggings. When the trend cycle swings back towards a wide leg (and it’s happening, believe me), Mr. El-No can look back fondly at this disastrous leg wear. He will laugh and stare in amazement at how overly trendy he was. “I can’t BELIEVE that I wore that.” Me neither dude.



El-No: What Would Cher Say?

Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.

As if!

Not in those chunky knit grey knee-highs.

True Story: I went through an ill-advised knee-high phase in 1995. I was young and totally under the influence of Sassy magazine (greatest magazine EVER). Alicia Silverstone just looked so cool in her Clueless knee-highs that I had to wear them too. Little did I know that this Nineties stocking misstep makes legs look broad. And who wants that?

Seeing Miss El-No on the street made those hosiery memories come flooding back. I just wanted to stop her and tell her that her grey knee-highs (more like leg warmers on steroids) were not flattering. But she looked like she could take me in a fight, so I kept on walking.

Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?

Go from Clueless to on trend with a legwear switch.

Merona Women’s Herringbone Tights in Grey from Target for $10

Descending Dots Tights from Anthropologie for $20

Spanx Tight End Tights from Neiman Marcus for $28

Wolford Success Tights from Neiman Marcus for $55

Wolford Bondage Tights from Saks for $65

Wolford Baily Fishnet Tights from Saks for $68