El-No: Bomb-ba-bomb-ba-bomb-bomb-bombs

I blame ABC.

With each Bachelorette episode, Ashley’s clothes become worse and worse. Someone get that girl a stylist. She is just one jort/ bikini combo away from being Kelly Kapowski on Saved By The Bell.

Bathing suits belong at the beach or the pool, not at a cocktail party (or a city street).

With Ashley serving as a poor swimsuit example, I can see how Miss El-No got confused.

The bikini, a two-piece bathing suit invented in the Fifties, was named after the Bikini Islands (a weapons testing location). Hey Miss El-No, cover up your bombs! The next time you decide to prance down the street in a bikini, please do so with a little more class. 

You need a coverup. These are my favorites:

Splurge: Calypso St. Barth Bengal Printed Caftan for $225

Classic: Burberry Brit Empire Waist Check Coverup for $175 (I want it!)

Hip: Marc by Marc Jacobs Simone Stripe Bandeau Coverup for $121

Steal: Calypso St. Barth for Target Print Dress in Turquoise for $36.99

El-No: The Speedo Bandito

I m not gonna lie. I spent most of my vacation at the pool. Each afternoon found me on a sun bed while reading fashion magazines. How do you say lazy in Spanish? It was just glorious.

But I had company at the pool.

The Speedo Bandito took up daily residence on a neighboring sun bed. He must have packed a multitude of banana hammocks because each day he had a new speedo (or in my opinion, a speedon t). I think these bathing suits just got lost in translation.

Senior, you are not Michel Phelps. Please keep your situation undercover- gracias!

The speedo was invented in the late 1920s and was intended for competitive swimming events. The brand became the swimwear market leader for men when swimmer Arne Borg set a world record wearing the swimsuit in 1929.

I prefer these full coverage swim trunks, which were popularized by surfers in the 1960s. Invest in these colorful and luxurious trunks from Vilebrequin. Save some clams by purchasing similar trunks from Vineyard Vines.